I used to be afraid of watching or reading anything scary. I was a lightweight, you might say, with all things upsetting. It wasn't that I couldn't handle them per se, but more that I thought by avoiding all things in that genre, perhaps I could likewise escape that entire emotional journey and instead feel only the things I wanted to. Ultimately life is an excellent teacher in these sorts of things, because when the reality of the matter and some pieces of the mystery of life were placed upon me, I was suddenly made to see that life is made up entirely of both good and bad things in order maintain a balance. I realized that sad things are sad, but they aren't the end of the world. My life won't come crashing to the ground if I feel a bit sad sometimes, and it doesn't make me a negative person; it simply balances out the ample good that I've managed to experience.
In a few short weeks I've begun to discover what an absolute game changer the past year has been for me. I've grown up, learned things, gotten better control over my life. There have been times when I thought I was further off track than ever before, but the more I truly think about the events that have occurred and the result (the person I am today as opposed to the person I was fifteen months ago), the more I realize just how wonderful things are going for me. I'm not afraid any more. I'm perfectly willing to make decisions for myself, chase my own interests, make my own money, pursue my own education. I want to travel and experience things as much as possible, I want to know things. I want my degree, and I want to build a prosperous career on it because I know that I have the strengths necessary to do so. I want to fall in love one day but I'm not in a hurry. Being single isn't a terrible thing, actually. It's freeing in the sense that you have the freedom to be absolutely selfish in whatever you want. The luxuries of life have been dropped all into my lap at once and suddenly I realize that nothing in life was holding me back before except my own mindset and cognitive horizons. Suddenly I want to snowboard and surf, I want to join the nearest theater group and play in something cool. I want to spend time in Arizona, Washington, or some little beach town in California. I want to backpack across a continent, visit my Australian relatives, be a foreign exchange student. I want to learn a language (Russian?), learn to dance, rappel, shoot, defend myself with nothing. I want to camp, take a rafting trip, kayak, go on a spiritual journey, get a degree. I want to travel to Africa and live minimally, take a few mission trips, explore in the lands my great grandparents came from, write a book... I want to be that person that sees what she wants and goes for it, no ifs, ands, or buts.
Life is full of things that you thought would never happen to you, or things you assumed would break you if they did. But when you're pushed down to that point at which you thought you couldn't handle, you discover something about yourself. The way you proceed tells you everything about who you are and where you're going. Do you bow your head, listen to the naysayers, and decide that life is just a bitter experience to get through? Or do you stand tall, break through the walls of that thing you thought you could never face and reach for the life you believe in regardless of the risk factor? Today I strive to be the second of these two types. The strength, self-confidence, and inner peace that I feel as a result are astounding.
I'm reveling in my regained sense of individuality. I'm enjoying my exploration of the world and its funny situations. Life isn't a century or so of enduring enough of the unpleasant to get a fortunate break. Life is about seeing the little things, fighting for the important things, and refusing to settle for anything less than what you want. This coming year I'm ready to turn the page in life, because I'm not in the least bit afraid of what's coming in the next chapter or of leaving the previous one behind. You see, I'm confident that my story is only just beginning to get good.
